What do green peas and my bladder have in common? [READ]
This is a story about the time my Tiny Bladder took me on an embarrassing adventure
I was catching a 10-hour overnight bus from Pushkar to Delhi… with no toilet on it. Knowing I have a bladder the size of a green pea I didn’t drink anything in the hours leading up to the bus ride. I was excited about this bus. It was a sleeper so for a price cheaper than a room for the night I’d been promised my own bed to sleep in. This was going to be a good sleep!
I settle into my curtained off area and the bus takes off I quickly realise the windows don’t close properly and it’s freezing. I try to find random items of clothing to block the openings but the bitterly cold wind still creeps in and slaps me across my face and body. I was wearing two jumpers, tights, pants, a scarf, shoes and socks – yet I was still so cold I couldn’t sleep. The bus is hammering down the highway and it starts to dawn on me that because I can’t sleep I need to pee. But I’m locked in and this bus isn’t stopping. And anyway there are people asleep all over the rice sacks lining the aisles that I would have to step on if I got up.
At one point the bus does stop and I scramble to try to get to the front, stepping on bodies as I clamber. But no sooner did I make it to the floor the bus took off again with an extra 20 or so passengers. I try again to sleep but my bladder and the cold continues to keep me awake. So after something like 2 hours I can’t hold on anymore and make the treacherous journey to the front of the bus.
He’s such an Ass-Hole
Politely I ask the bus driver if the bus is going to stop for a bathroom stop. He hastily replies “no toilet, only outside toilet”. I’m not really sure what he means by this so I sit down next to him, confused. He looks over at me a couple of times, visibly annoyed and then pulls the bus over on the side of the highway. “Only outside toilet’ he repeats and points at the open door. I look outside and there is literally only a highway and bushes. I step outside and cars fly past shaking the entire bus. Their headlights illuminate everything around me and I can tell there’s nowhere to hide.
The bus driver stands up and points at the side of the bus – as if to say: “go there.” But everyone on the bus and the road will be able to see me so I try for the bushes. I throw myself into them hoping that I’d break through to the other side but this was not to be the case. The bushes had possibly the biggest and sharpest thorns on them I’ve ever experienced and I was completely stuck in them. Imagine the thorny bushes that Simba crawls through to escape the hyenas in ‘Lion King.’ Yeah… I manage to pull myself out, feeling the thorns ripping straight through all my clothes and taring holes in my skin. I clamber back over to the bus with thorn bush branches hanging off me. Again the bus driver points at the side of the bus so I give in and pull my pants down to squat next to the bus. But I’m so humiliated I can’t actually go. I just sit there, with my butt exposed while nothing comes out.
I get back on the bus and tell the driver I couldn’t go and he looks at me exasperated. Again he repeats “only outside toilet”. In a huff, I retort, “well I can’t go so I guess I’ll just stay sitting here.” I just couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t just let me go at a restaurant or a service station!
After some time we pull up to an actual service station. Crystal +1, Bus Driver 0 (actually the bus driver was probably +1 too after his hilarious stunt earlier). I burst out of the bus as soon as the door opens to a grotty squat toilet. I don’t even care. It has walls and a door. The privacy is my saviour. I do my business and open the door to… Every single woman from my bus waiting in line to use the toilet. Ha! So I wasn’t the only one who needed to go! They must just have bladders made of steel, unlike me.
This wasn’t the first time my TB (Tiny Bladder) has got me into trouble. There was another time in India where my bus left me on the side of the road in the middle of the night. But that’s a story for another day/blog post…
Moral of the story?
If you have a TB like me, look into buying a SheWee and bring a spare plastic bottle. Gross, I know. Or I just hope you have a bus driver who is less of an ass-hole. Good luck!
Have you ever needed to go to the toilet so bad you did something embarrassing?
Liked this funny story? Share it!